sharp nostalgia, infinite and terrible, for what i already possess...

08:58 pm - you say you're okay but you live your life like it's over

feeling like shit right now...

so. lists. in no particular order...

things that i love at the moment:

1. a tape of jonatha brooke's "10 cent wings" i was given
2. a glass of mountain berry iced tea
3. payday tomorrow
4. a "new" computer monitor (it's like getting new glasses - i can't believe how much i wasn't seeing)
5. not working tonight (or tomorrow night)
6. catching up on half a dozen episodes of "my name is earl"
7. sudoku (my new crack. it's crazy addictive.)
8. coming home from work and watching "saved by the bell" for two hours every morning while drinking half a pot of coffee

things that i hate at the moment:

1. this feeling like i'm going to cry or scream or laugh or fall asleep any second
2. the dry skin on my hands and my cracked & peeling lips (winter = brutal)
3. my inability to do the things i know i need to get done
4. my greed and selfishness and lack of compassion and justifications
5. holiday anxiety (as irrational and ridiculous as i know it is)
6. watching everything and everyone i love fall apart piece by piece, minute by minute
7. my inability to hold a thought in my head for more than 3 seconds or communicate it properly when i do
8. wanting/needing to be held and comforted and loved in a way i can't quite express and knowing i couldn't/wouldn't accept it if it was offered
9. never letting anyone in (or not knowing how to) and being so goddamn lonely anyway

12:42 pm - my kingdom for a time machine

all i want for christmas: to be five again...

to climb up in someone's lap and be held.

to be tucked in at night and sung to sleep.

to be full of possibility and excitement and hope.

to have my whole life ahead of me.

to not feel like i've been left behind and left out.

to be present.

to be oblivious.

to be new.

08:41 pm - in five

all i have of you i had to steal. horde. tuck away. piece by piece.

and me

that box of dirty mangled broken junk at a yard sale

unwanted. unloved. unacknowledged.

free

08:20 pm - ah but look at this showroom filled with fabulous prizes

went to eckerd today. my pictures still weren't in. the photo lady called the company and they said the pics probably won't be in until the 5th. which is the day of my photography class. so, i might not even get them in time for class. and i definitely won't have time to redo them if they didn't turn out how i wanted. argh. i thought black and white might take a little longer...but 10 days! c'mon. that's a little bit much. and surprise surprise they're not included in the 'next day or it's free' dealie. obviously. but i didn't know that before. they don't have that posted anywhere and they really should. in fact, the photo lady didn't seem to know that until the company rep told her.

and i still have a few more assignments to do...

sigh.

~*~

i am managing about 2 - 3 hours between cigarettes. this is very good for me. considering i usually smoke 2 or 3 in an hour. now if i can only keep this up...

~*~

set up my new water filter pitcher today. easy.

fresh, clean water anytime i want it...hell yeah.

11:05 am - happy-freakin-halloween

just spent about 15 minutes yelling at my mom.

and.

i am trying to quit smoking. (not cold-turkey. someone would be dead.)

also.

i may...possibly...just a little bit...havePMS.

~*~

god. i just *love* mondays.

*headdesk*

06:49 am - walking gingerly across the bruised earth...

this is my lesson for today:

you can't out walk your fears.
you can't out walk your worries.
you can't out walk your ghosts.
you can't out walk yourself.

you can only walk far enough to take the edge off.
you can only walk far enough to level out.

also. the colder the weather, the better.

04:34 am - i turned it over in my mind like a living chinese finger-trap...

restless and tired and kinda sick feeling...

i think i'll go for a walk.

04:12 am - alone in my room i am the last of a lost civilization...

early morning and a quiet house.

i am alone.

with only 'the mountain goats' on the stereo and this squirmy feeling in my gut to keep me company.

06:14 pm - flicking my tongue out at the wet leaves...

i really don't want to go to work tonight. four days off in a row...still not enough. sigh.

i had a million things i should have done with my time off and i didn't do anything. ugh. what is wrong with me?

my vacation's in a few weeks, hopefully i will get more done then. but that seems overly optimistic and highly unlikely.

sigh.

09:29 am - the cellar door is an open throat...

went to pittsburgh friday night to see 'the mountain goats'. so good. amazing, even. neurotic and weird and geeky and funny.

they played 'no children'! they played 'no children'! /spaz. sorry.

sigh. yeah, i had a good time. complete with commemorative t-shirt.

plus, great indian food afterwards. my first time. totally worth the heartburn and stomach ache i had later for eating too much.

and not having to drive: beautiful.